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Investigations: Danger at the Door
…NBC Action News Investigator Nichole Teich uncovered a problem with minivans that could put your children at risk.
[cue dramatic music]
First of all, ‘Action’ News? What the hell? How is it more ‘active’ than other news? Does it go jogging? Do yoga? Swim? It’s just another adjective hurled at us in a world already overflowing with useless, superfluous, overpowering, and downright meaningless adjectives. Don’t get me wrong, I {heart} adjectives when used properly. But like anything else (chocolate tort) in life, the key is both quality and moderation.
Moving past that, we have the completely overblown catch line. ‘Could put your children at risk.’ Oh my god, we’re ALL GOING TO DIE! RUN FOR THE HILLS! THE MINIVANS ARE COMING!
ahem.
Right. If you read the story, interestingly enough, it doesn’t even mention the kid being hurt. And, believe you me, if there were broken bones involved, we would’ve heard about it. That’d be too juicy (er, crunchy?) not to put into an Action News story. So it didn’t even hurt him, much. I’ve slammed my hand in a car door before, and it smarts a bit, but no permanent damage was done - unlike the time I slammed my hand in the front door of our house, and it lopped off the end of my little finger. And yet I see no news story running the headline: ‘Front Doors: the deadly menace’. Or a consumer group pushing for sensors in houses to not allow doors to shut on people. …but then, someone would try to slam the door on a burglar, and it would bounce back open, and the burglar would kill them and there’d be a lawsuit…
There is such a thing as too much ‘protection’. I’m still bitter I have to have those stupid sensors on my garage doors – no more hitting the button and running out under the door. {grump} That’d actually come in handy when we take our bikes out. So would fixing the keypad thing that’s supposed to work the garage door, but that’s neither here nor there*.
Look, people, if you’re counting on your car, or your TV, or other people to protect your kids, you’re an idiot. And kids are going to get hurt. It’s the nature of children – they’re inquisitive, and it doesn’t always work out for the best. And, if they survive, they learn.
Just wait until all these kids get old enough to move to the front seat, and slam their hand in the regular door, since the sliding door always bounced back at them. Oh, the drama then! We’ll have to have sensors on those doors, too. Or, wait until enough kids figure out that if they don’t want to go anywhere, the have the power to keep the door from closing! Can you imagine the parking lot scene? Can you imagine the increased sales of duct tape? {scampers off to buy stock}
* technically, at the moment, it’s there (at home) and I’m here (at work). Later it will be here, because I will be at home, though if I go to the grocery story it’ll be there until I get there, when it will become here. Proving, if I might add, that 'here' and 'there' are relative to both time and space.
…NBC Action News Investigator Nichole Teich uncovered a problem with minivans that could put your children at risk.
[cue dramatic music]
First of all, ‘Action’ News? What the hell? How is it more ‘active’ than other news? Does it go jogging? Do yoga? Swim? It’s just another adjective hurled at us in a world already overflowing with useless, superfluous, overpowering, and downright meaningless adjectives. Don’t get me wrong, I {heart} adjectives when used properly. But like anything else (chocolate tort) in life, the key is both quality and moderation.
Moving past that, we have the completely overblown catch line. ‘Could put your children at risk.’ Oh my god, we’re ALL GOING TO DIE! RUN FOR THE HILLS! THE MINIVANS ARE COMING!
ahem.
Right. If you read the story, interestingly enough, it doesn’t even mention the kid being hurt. And, believe you me, if there were broken bones involved, we would’ve heard about it. That’d be too juicy (er, crunchy?) not to put into an Action News story. So it didn’t even hurt him, much. I’ve slammed my hand in a car door before, and it smarts a bit, but no permanent damage was done - unlike the time I slammed my hand in the front door of our house, and it lopped off the end of my little finger. And yet I see no news story running the headline: ‘Front Doors: the deadly menace’. Or a consumer group pushing for sensors in houses to not allow doors to shut on people. …but then, someone would try to slam the door on a burglar, and it would bounce back open, and the burglar would kill them and there’d be a lawsuit…
There is such a thing as too much ‘protection’. I’m still bitter I have to have those stupid sensors on my garage doors – no more hitting the button and running out under the door. {grump} That’d actually come in handy when we take our bikes out. So would fixing the keypad thing that’s supposed to work the garage door, but that’s neither here nor there*.
Look, people, if you’re counting on your car, or your TV, or other people to protect your kids, you’re an idiot. And kids are going to get hurt. It’s the nature of children – they’re inquisitive, and it doesn’t always work out for the best. And, if they survive, they learn.
Just wait until all these kids get old enough to move to the front seat, and slam their hand in the regular door, since the sliding door always bounced back at them. Oh, the drama then! We’ll have to have sensors on those doors, too. Or, wait until enough kids figure out that if they don’t want to go anywhere, the have the power to keep the door from closing! Can you imagine the parking lot scene? Can you imagine the increased sales of duct tape? {scampers off to buy stock}
* technically, at the moment, it’s there (at home) and I’m here (at work). Later it will be here, because I will be at home, though if I go to the grocery story it’ll be there until I get there, when it will become here. Proving, if I might add, that 'here' and 'there' are relative to both time and space.