My arms are like noodles

[smeddley]

I wonder if people who, while in a relationship, maintain MINE and YOURS of everything (as in separate bank accounts, only doing their own laundry...) only shovel THEIR half of the driveway? I can't get over the absurdity of committing yourself to a person, becoming one with them so to speak, but never actually sharing everything. It seems sad, and like a set-up for failure.

Granted, I've only shoveled half of the driveway - the top half - because that's as far as I got before I couldn't move anymore.

Comments

[ded-grotty.livejournal.com]

Steve and I have separate bank accounts only because I handle money so badly I didn't want to mess things up for the two of us.So if I make mistakes,it's only my problem to deal with. But yeah, otherwise,I can't fathom having everything separate like that.

[smeddley.livejournal.com]

That's a little different, yes. As in: I'm sure that he'd give you money from 'his' account if you needed it? I mean, I know people who are drowning in debt because they don't make as much as their spouse (but still pay half the house and utility payments) but maintain they can only spend what they make. Totally unfair when one person makes significantly more than the other!

I have to admit we have things that are separate - we each have our own computer, for example (though I can use his and he can use mine, I don't care - he uses mine to look at the weather in the morning, because it's upstairs, etc). And I really don't drive 'his' car (partly because I don't like it, and partly because we have to adjust everything to go from someone 6'4" to someone 5'2" driving!). But really, when it comes down to it, it's all 'our' stuff.

[ded-grotty.livejournal.com]

You bet. We each have "our" car, certainly, but each has full use of the other's car if the need arises. We have our own computers but yeah, that's all under "our" stuff.
And while I'm recovering from being out of work for so long,and re-starting my puppetry business, he always makes sure I have money to run the house. And I mean I DO run the house; cooking,laundry, cleaning, grocery shopping,any errands necessary, etc., since he's the breadwinner right now.It's been a fine arrangement, but I am totally ready to be back in the working world now and making my OWN money again.

[smeddley.livejournal.com]

I want someone to cook and do my laundry... ;) Actually, I think I'd be perfectly happy staying home and taking care of the house, unfortunately, my career is the more lucrative one. I guess if I wanted to be a housewife I shouldn't have married a teacher!

Though if I stayed home, I would probably do a lot more crafts - and maybe even make some money. I'd love to have a job I enjoyed! And it sounds like you're on you way to a great puppetry business, you're very talented. :D

[alankria.livejournal.com]

I would only ever share a secondary bank account for bill-paying purposes; my main accounts are mine to control. Of course, I'd be in agreement with my spouse over who paid how much, willing to use my money to help him/her if I earnt more or s/he got fired or whatever. I just can't tolerate the thought of anyone but me having direct access to my money. And I say that as someone who's likely to be the lower earning spouse.

[smeddley.livejournal.com]

See, and I can't think of it as 'my' money. Nothing is really 'mine', it is 'ours'. Partly because that would, as the higher earning spouse, be really, really unfair. But then, I grew up in a household where only one parent worked - if there was separate money, then what would the parent staying home raising the kid have? Would they be relegated to an 'allowance' by the wage-earner? I don't know, it just seems weird to me. And I'm all for independence, but if you're going to keep everything 'mine' and 'yours', why get married? It seems so much more 'roommates with benefits' at that point. And not that I'm against that, it's just... very odd to me. You know, 'I love you, trust you, and want to spend the rest of my life with you, but...' kind of way.

Also, more of a pain in the ass. It's nice having only one bank account to have to worry about, though I rarely balance it anymore (I know I should...).

[ded-grotty.livejournal.com]

Years ago, I made more money than I know what to do with, and I bought nothing but junk.Until I get my dumbass spending habits under control, it's just as well...or at least have Steve take it away from me and dole it out as allowance! :)

[alankria.livejournal.com]

I suspect it's upbringing. Until recently, both my parents were high earners with their own bank accounts - and they are very anti shared accounts. But they share or balance between them many things, like the mortgage, cars (payment and use of), our schooling, food, the cooking, gardening (their big shared past-time), etc. Even though my mum's out of work, she's still got her own money from her savings.

Nothing is really 'mine', it is 'ours'.

That would creep me out. Stuff could certainly be 'mine' and 'ours' -- and, actually, I'm sure plenty of things would be just 'ours' like furniture, the car, decorations, just not everthing -- but I don't want to 'become one with' my partner.

why get married? It seems so much more 'roommates with benefits' at that point.

It's possible to love someone, want to spend the rest of your life with them, yet remain an independent person. I'm looking at my parents, here. Just a different model of marriage, no less functioning.

[smeddley.livejournal.com]

Yes, I was raised in a single-income family with a stay-at-home mom (as was he). A situation where, admittedly, the dual-account idea really does not work. There have also been times in my relationship where one of us was not really earning, due to school, etc. I'm sure there are things I think of as 'mine' (the sewing machines, for one!) but... really, anything he wanted to use, he could. I'm sure divvying up the stuff if we ever split up would be a nightmare, but as we're not planning on that, it's okay.

I don't think that, because I have a shared bank account, I'm not independent. I think it's practical, for one - if, for some reason, I can't pay a bill or deal with something financial, my husband can (especially since he works different hours and is often home during the day). And, goodness forbid, if one of us should die, there's no issue with getting the assets if they're in both of our names (because here, even if you're designated as a beneficiary, it can take months to work through wills/probate).

I work with a woman who was in a 'separate bank account' relationship (which is falling apart, though I don't think that was the only reason) and she spent a lot of her time shuffling money from one account to another. It seems like a huge hassle, to be honest - figuring out who owes what for what, for instance: oh, you want cable, but I don't really, though I will watch it if we have it, so my fair share is... I don't know, 20%? Hell, I can't even be bothered to balance the checking account, I'm certainly not going through something like that (and for the record, he would owe the extra $5/mo for the sports package, though they recently reduce our cable bill as a promotion, so... I guess I'd have to figure out the percentage reduction and then apply that percentage to that extra, then compensate for the disparity in our incomes?)

I don't know, I think the only reason I got married was financial - taxes, insurance, and the shared accounts being made so much easier. Otherwise, I might never have, and just lived together. Certainly that's what it was like when we were just living together - separate accounts and each paying part of the bills. In our case, things became a lot easier and nicer when we got married and everything was put together - probably because we didn't have a lot of money. And having to pool it and make decisions together made us a lot more responsible and accountable.

Obviously, separate accounts can work for some people, I just don't understand them. I also don't understand people who like Celine Dion. Or people who like the tropics. It's a matter of personal opinion. If it works for you (and your significant other), great. But I will say I do honestly believe that many people take the whole 'yours' and 'mine' thing way too far (like refusing to throw any of the other person's laundry in with theirs).

[smeddley.livejournal.com]

We're both pretty irresponsible with buying 'junk', though as the slightly less irresponsible one I do get final say on large purchases. :)

[alankria.livejournal.com]

Yeah, it's all personal preference. I don't think sharing accounts makes other people - like you, like one of my aunts - un-independent, it's just something I don't want to do. Just like, say, I would find it odd to not throw in laundry together, or odd to keep completely separate things like books, DVDs, etc. It'd be a pain to re-separate them if we got divorced, but I'd be aiming for that to not happen. Instead, we'd have a ginormous shared library of awesome.

[nakedblueninja.livejournal.com]

My mom actually taught me when I was a young teenager that even if I was to marry, we should get a joint chequing account separate from my main chequing account. After that point it didn't matter if all my money tranferred over from mine to our after it's paid into my own chequing account, but by maintaining that system, I can still pay into my retirement savings, my emergency savings, and so on.

And from her own experience, it was much easier to unravel her finances from my dad's when he died, simply because they were already in place.

[smeddley.livejournal.com]

My paycheck actually goes three places - to our savings account, to the account to pay off the HELOC, and to our main account. But those are all direct deposits, so I don't have to monkey around with transferring anything. Because I am lazy and forgetful, and because things are paid automatically, if I had to do that extra step (you cannot transfer bank-to-bank on-line) things would not go so well. My retirement is mandatory as I am a government employee, and is handled by my employer. They get 4% of my salary no matter what.

I guess I don't understand the unraveling, because if one of us were to die... there would be nothing to unravel? There would simply be less money coming in, the rest would stay in place as it was when everything was a joint account. No need to do anything with any of the automatically paid bills, or anything like that. Bill pay would simply go on as before (which would be nice, as I imagine the remaining spouse would be heartbroken and not want to deal with it). But laws and situations vary from country to country, too, so that might be part of the difference. I do know that here, were one of us to die, life would be much simpler with everything in both our names, because without a will (hell, even with a will) the ability for the surviving spouse to get their hands on the assets can be convoluted and, if contested by other relatives, might not happen at all. That is to say, if he died without a will, any money held in an account in only his name could be (rightfully) claimed by his siblings (this varies state to state, though). Which means I'd only see a part of it. Which would kinda suck. And even if he had a will, it'd still have to go through probate, and it could be months before I could get any assets held solely in his name.

[troubleforyou.livejournal.com]

Lets see....the yours mine and ours theory....

We are on each others bank accounts but don't really share them....I have mine he has his because since I work for a bank I am lazy about the whole paper register thing. We share savings accounts though and have multiple of them....I get to choose where we have the savings accounts at.

We don't use the same shower, though we now share the same bathroom to get ready (I don't like little tiny showers). I grew up with three women and one bathroom. I told him one bathroom was a deal breaker. Therefore even when dating/engaged we had two.

We don't share dresser space and barely share a closet (I have more stuff than him).

I've told him before he can't share my panties however, he does not take that one seriously :-)