smeddley | Why Horror Movies Aren't Scary

S	M	T	W	T	F	S
		1	2	3	4	5
6	7	8	9	10	11	12
13	14	15	16	17	18	19
20	21	22	23	24	25	26
27	28	29	30	31

Why Horror Movies Aren't Scary

Monday, September 10th, 2007 08:34 pm

No, really. They may be gory, and they may startle you, but do they really give you nightmares? Do they haunt your thoughts for days or even weeks afterwards? Do they change your life? If so, what movies have you been watching?

See, these movies nowadays don't scare me because the whole time, in the back of my mind, there's that little thought: "Well, if she wasn't such and idiot, she wouldn't get hurt."

And I'm not just talking about the horror movie cliches of running in heels and investigating creepy basements with an iffy flashlight. I'm talking fundamental 'if you really wanted to live...' decisions.

To demonstrate: last night I watched Rest Stop. I have only one word for you if you're thinking about it: don't. It's really not worth your time. Here's the story: girl and guy set out on a road trip, pull over at a rest stop, are terrorized by creepy stalker dude. That's about it. I guess it could have been scary, but...

Let's examine where our heroine went wrong. Ignoring the obvious 'don't run away from home, you twit', there was the 'safety in numbers, go together to the bathrooms that were 200 yards from the parking lot'. Okay, so we all get a little lax with our safety. You split up, and when you come out of the bathroom your boyfriend is gone. Perhaps you do stand there for a little while thinking he's playing a cruel joke. But when the creepy truck guy (whose license plate is scrawled all over the bathroom with 'he killed me' messages) chucks your boyfriend's cell phone at you and drives off, do you: 1)just start walking down the road, sure it's 60 miles but you're bound to find someone sometime, or you'll at least eventually get to the town 2) break into the ranger station, get the map, and find a path through the woods that will get you to civilization sooner or 3) break into the ranger station, ineptly use the radio (oh, who didn't guess she was actually talking to creepy truck guy?), and proceed to get blitzed on a half-full bottle of Wild Turkey?

Let's suppose you're a complete idiot (as our heroine is) and opt for option 3. Surprisingly, all is not yet lost. A motorcycle cop happens by! Unfortunately, creepy truck guy runs him over. So, you're crouching on the ground, holding a wounded armed cop, and the trucker gets out of the truck, wraps a chain around the front wheel of the motorcycle, and prepares to drag the bike off (with the radio, not to mention it's a mode of transportation!). Do you 1) grab whatever stout weapon you've armed yourself with and at least attempt to pummel the crap out of him 2) grab the cop's gun and shoot the guy or 3) sob helplessly as he drags off your chance at salvation?

If you, like our heroine, choose option 3... you deserve to die. Seriously. At that point, for the gene pool, I was rooting for the bad guy. No one that stupid deserves to live (and possibly reproduce, we'd have the obligatory sex scene earlier, so you never know).

This movie wasn't scary because that would never happen to me. No amount of 'stress' would make me that idiotic. Now, that amount of stress might have some effect on me, as in, I'd empty the clip into the guy instead of the strictly necessary 1-2 shots, but hey, chances are I wouldn't still be at that godforsaken rest stop at that point. I'd take my chances in the woods before sitting there like... well, a sitting duck!

Honestly, the last scary moment in a movie was Scream. Yes, I know it was a funny movie, but there's that scene at the beginning where you see, in the background and kind of out of the corner of your eye, that figure dart down the hallway. And the idea of someone creeping around in my house (however slim with my dog and her psychosis) is still far more likely and creepy that weird, rest stop trawling sadists.

...in two feet of water

Navigation

Page Summary

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags